Top Tips for Overcoming Common Holiday Issues

Few of us are immune to holiday stress. It doesn’t help that Thanksgiving and Christmas are so close together. For many people, it’s like getting a second-wham of anxiety and disappointment before you recover from the first one at Thanksgiving.

Most families have a few issues that are unresolved. What may be stressful to one family may not be to another, yet despite the differences, the top holiday stresses are familiar to most of us. What can you do to make the holidays a happier time? Everyone’s situation is unique, but here are the top problems and solutions.

1. Unrealistic expectations of happiness, joy and acceptance

The holidays are supposed to be a joyous time. If you have unresolved issues, hopes run high that the festivities will propel family members to act with greater kindness and emotional responsibility. Unfortunately, holiday time is not necessarily the best time to try to settle grievances or have one of those long, heart-to-heart talks with a family member.

Of course, if there is a timely hot topic that has to be addressed, then speak to other family members about ways to coordinate a strategy. For example, a common issue is how to care for a close relative who has dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. Some families divide up the tasks of researching doctors, nursing homes and other care facilities in the area and use emails to remain in touch.

2. Rigid rituals

Rituals sustain the family emotional glue. They provide an easy format to recall and chart family growth, connection and cooperative decision-making.

Yet, not everything can stay the same. Family members are lost and added through death, marriage, birth and feuds. Life demands flexibility. Rather than complain about a ritual, recruit the key person in the solution. Be prepared to provide a reason and ideas.

Take advantage of changes in the family to forge new traditions. Use events such as births, marriages, remarriages or college graduations as springboards for new gift-giving, different homes for the celebration or more flexible seating arrangements around the dining table. These changes might prompt innovative ways of sharing the holiday.

3. Issues of divorce and re-marriage:Emotional adjustment of children, acceptance of new partners or being alone

Divorce and remarriage challenge family interactions and rituals. Old feelings about former spouses or divorce in general can affect the family’s reactions. The family of the new spouse may have rituals that conflict with established ones of the other spouse. If all the major family players get along, invite the exes. This approach is especially important for young children who have trouble adjusting to being shuttled back and forth between family events.

Including the new spouse’s children can also cause problems. For example, Jesse was used to being the star athlete in the family. His mother worried that he might not welcome his new step-cousin who also happened to be the star athlete in the family of her new husband.

Solutions include making a list of potential problem areas and providing solutions. Discuss these solutions with key family members and ask for their advice. When Jesse’s new, blended family came together at Thanksgiving, his mother and step-father were smart enough to tell the parents of the cousin that they were bring video footage of Jesse’s recent top plays and to bring videos of their athlete son also. The son and cousin bonded over football war stories rather than compete for the spotlight.

Being alone at the holidays can intensify issues of being single or divorced. One way to lessen the discomfort is to stay in touch with other family members and ask them to help you by spending extra time with you or by not mentioning your divorce. The goal is to take charge of your unhappiness and get remedies in motion before the holiday.

4. Absent spouses and other family members due to death, sickness or war

Every family deals with the hot topics of death and illness according to their comfort zone with uncomfortable feelings. Reactions range from avoidance to healthy grief to reverence and idealization.

For example, in Renee’s family, no one dared mention her grandfather who recently died in a knife fight in a federal prison. Yet, the silence about him prodded the younger grandchildren to ask why they didn’t receive the candy basket that grandpa sent every year. The children asked again, and an aunt turned to them and said to be quiet.

In general, family members who are not present due to circumstances such as illness, death or war should not be overlooked. Susannah’s father served in Iraq during Christmas. The family decided to set a place for him, and everyone had a chance to say a few words about him. At first, the ceremony brought tears, but then the reverence strengthened the family’s emotional connection to each other.

5. Overeating

You don’t have to gain weight during the holiday season. One solution is to start a Sensible Portion Club within your own family. Email everyone to join your club and pledge each other that you will all help each other not overeat. If that doesn’t seem popular, recruit the few cooperative family members and agree to sit next to each other.

Don’t deprive yourself and miss out on Aunt Maya’s chocolate mudslide dessert. Instead, agree to have a taste–with nothing larger than a soup spoon.

6. Gifts: How much to spend and to whom to give them

Gift-giving, especially in large families, can be expensive, time-consuming and anxiety-provoking. Rather than being an overwhelming experience, gift-giving can become part of the family tradition. Some families put everyone’s name in a hat and each person draws the name of one person to receive a gift. Others set spending limits or agree to buy stocking stuffers and gift cards to favorite stores. Sam’s family pooled their money and took long weekends at a favorite place.

Giving to charities can also become a family tradition. Marsha’s parents decided that in order to get a gift, you first had to donate a toy, clothing or household goods to a local charity.

Don’t lose sight that gift giving should be fun and not a popularity contest. You can’t please everyone.

7. Travel related problems: Expenses, distances, not enough time off from work

Holiday travel can often feel like a cruel test of your patience, pocketbook and perspiration. Travel delays, missed flights and cancellations are so common that people expect them now.

To ease the travel burden:

• Mail gifts far ahead of time and insure them.
• Pack medicine, toothbrush, make up and a change of clothes in your carry on.
• Don’t overpack.
• Try not to take the last flight or train to your destination. Also get the names and phone numbers of hotels in both your area and the city where you must make a connection.
• Arrange vacations ahead of time at work.
• Budget yourself.
• Bring a good book or work to do.
• Most importantly, bring a smile and a sense of humor.

Hope you enjoy your holidays!

Dr. LeslieBeth Wish is a nationally honored therapist, specializing in all aspects of healthy families, including parenting, sex, marriage, relationships, smart dating, careers, trauma and divorce. Her groundbreaking work in treating sexual issues at The New England Institute of Family Relations and her provocative book “Incest, Work and Women,” earned her recognition as a pioneer in the field of women’s sexual, family and career issues. Her next book project on No-nonsense women aims to help today’s strong, independent women who are smart at work but not in love. For more information or to become a participant in the research for this book, go to http://www.selfgrowth.com/guide/lbwish.html